Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler: In A Nutshell
Why did I read it?
Because I have a toddler and it’s freaking hard. This is definitely my most highlighted book of all time so this review will also likely be quite lengthy.
My takeaway
Connection
The first topic she covers is “connection” with your child. Connection in this context means fully engaging with them and not just giving them a perfunctory “mmhmm” while looking at your phone. This whole section deeply resonated with me, as this feeling of using my phone to “run from my kid” was the primary impetus for my journey into On Digital Minimalism |Digital Minimalism. She then links a lack of connection with many problematic behaviors and suggests that often the child is attempting to “hold a parent hostage” because they feel a lack of connection with them. These observations ring true to me, and this chapter is very impactful.
Don’t half-ass the connection
“If you are giving 50 percent presence to your child 100 percent of the time, and that makes the child still 100 percent needy, it’s just a bad investment of your time. Whereas if you can be 100 percent present but for smaller chunks of time, and that fills your child’s emotional tank and buys you some “off ” time, that’s a brilliant investment.”
These sections caused me to reflect on countless moments I have done this with my toddler and, funnily enough, my dog. She provides a framework for a much better solution for everyone involved; it’s simple: create short (20-minute) windows where you can give 100% engagement to time with your child. Toddlers have a relatively small “emotional bucket” which is easy to fill with short bursts of full engagement. A toddler whose bucket is full is less likely to hold a parent hostage, be overly clingy, or throw tantrums because they are emotionally satisfied. A full bucket even promotes things like solo play.
Much like filling a toddler’s bucket can be easy, emptying it is equally easy. Obvious things like tantrums will drain the bucket, but many other activities, some of which I would consider unexpected, can also drain it. Large outings like the zoo, the children’s museum, or even a playground can actually drain emotional buckets instead of filling them. It’s essential on busy days to find moments of real connection with a toddler, whether it’s reading, some art at home, or even just “chitchat”. Also, unexpectedly, even shows and movies can serve as connection time as long as you’re engaging in it with them and asking questions, etc.
Correcting a connection deficit with a toddler doesn’t have an immediate fix. You must consistently connect with the toddler for them to trust that connection time is no longer scarce. At first, they’ll likely hold on to moments of connection for dear life as they are used to a life of connection scarcity. Toddlers thrive with routine, so implementing a scheduled block like reading time can work wonders.
The idea of this dedicated connection time seems intimidating, and let’s be honest, a little boring. But you’ll find (and I do) that these concise bursts of engagement will also fill your emotional bucket. So, on top of having a great behavioral ROI, it will actually make you feel like a great parent and bring your family closer together.